(Last Updated On: February 12, 2018)
I am sure that most of us can agree that we are tempted to “lose it” sometimes. By “losing it” I am not talking about losing our car or house keys. I am talking about really losing it!! 🙂 When people respond in a way that we didn’t anticipate, are we supposed to fly off the handle just the same? If we do, we are no better than they. Remember, he who angers you controls you.
We have to realize that each of us is different. We express ourselves based on our background, frame of reference, culture, upbringing and sometimes, it’s just plain bad manners. However, we have to be strong in spite of how others behave. We have to accept that all people are not equal in temperament and personality and some things will most definitely rub us the wrong way.
Having lived on this earth for a little while now, I have realized that I must be prepared for any situation before it happens. I have managed to do this by thinking about the outcome. Yes! I step into the future. The reason being, if I allow one disgruntled person to become a tool that upsets me that easily, then I can quickly determine what will happen next. Having that knowledge is great power, and we all can say it together. “With great power comes great responsibility.” So I choose to respond in a “responsible” manner. Hope you caught my drift. 🙂
Anger is not wrong in itself.
It was given to us by God for a reason. It’s a natural emotion and a part of our being human. It’s supposed to be a healthy reaction to situations in order to produce a positive outcome.The important thing here is to know how and when to apply it.
Spontaneous anger vs Nurtured anger
Anger that is spontaneous and not nurtured (or harbored) could be positive if reacting to a situation where someone is being robbed or attacked, things of that nature. However, anger that has been fed over time, is probably the most dangerous kind. This is because its bearer may feel relieved by lashing out at their target believing they have good reason to. This is what I call balloon anger. It will burst at some point because of all that negative pent-up energy. When it bursts, like a balloon there is no telling where or how far it will go. The “hot air” in the balloon controls its direction… He who angers you controls you. Now does that make more sense? Hot air is just air and no substance. It will eventually dissipate.
How can we be sure that we are angry for the right reasons and not trying to selfishly justify ourselves, because our feelings were hurt
- Anger must result in a positive outcome one way or another
- there must be justice
- there must be a change
- there must be a resolution
In the case of direct personal pain (initiated by people or circumstances)
- It should make us wiser in understanding our responsibility in how we relate to others
- It should teach us how to react differently in the future
- cause us ask ourselves, “what role did I play in this?”
In the case of external influences (things that we have no control over)
- It should cause us to look for answers and resolutions
- It may be instrumental in motivating our passions and produce change
- It may cause us to help others as a result
- It may teach us how to manage our feelings in the midst of conflict
People will disappoint us sometimes
People will disappoint us, say things that hurt and sometimes abandon us for various reasons. Some are valid and some are concocted but it doesn’t matter. We are stuck with ourselves anyway, so we better get used to being our own best friend in this regard. However, it is in times like these that we should seek to examine ourselves and see whether there is anything in us that needs to be changed or improved on. I am saying, rather than become upset, seek to become a better person as a result of these experiences.
Do not become resentful, rather, understand that this is a part of life. People will come and go for different reasons. Do not beat up on yourself by trying to determine who is at fault and what went wrong. Accept that it has happened, learn from the experience, forgive and move on. Your future depends on it.
If for every time someone offended us we were to react angrily; imagine the amount of time wasted thinking negative thoughts. This would also result in us lashing out at the innocent in the process. Not to mention the unproductivity, psychological and physical damage we would be doing to ourselves as well. Is it worth it?
Don’t expect others to respond in the same manner that you would
I can relate to this statement very much as I have suffered from this problem all my life. One example – as someone who likes to help others, I tend to think that helping others is the reason we are all alive. However, I tend to be judgmental when I see people being selfish or inconsiderate. It can become a problem if I allow it to, and look for reasons to feed my “anger.” My response then in this scenario, is to continue to be me and help wherever I can; not be judgmental.
So you see how anger can wear many hats? Anger can cause us to be judgmental sometimes, display bad manners, bad attitudes and the list goes on.
For you, this may be a different scenario but just don’t come down on others for not reacting the way you would. They may have “good” reason for their actions at that point in time.
How to calm down when angry – Retaliation is not an option
When we counter-attack, we lower ourselves to the standards of others and that’s where they may want us. It’s at that lowly point that anything can happen, as the situation further deteriorates. That may be where our “antagonists” are strongest so don’t go there with them. Sometimes people who are hurting, are looking for someone to blame for every problem that they have ever had in life. This can turn out very badly if so. Don’t become their object. Don’t stand in the gap for anyone in their past (in an uncontrolled environment)! You may be left with a gaping hole.
If we allow ourselves to go there, then we have truly given up power over ourselves and have now placed them in charge of us. It’s at that point that they will use the remote on us to turn up the heat and roast us on their turf.
When we surrender our will to our emotions, we are operating in reverse gear. We are supposed to be in control of our emotions.
At times like these, we may say and do the wrong things, causing further hurt and pain. This leaves us feeling guilty for having allowed ourselves to become angry.
In any heated exchange of anger, the only direction to go to win the “fight,” is deeper into the cesspool.
Napoleon Hill once said in the Laws of Success “keep cool when other people get hot!” After a while, the person gets tired talking and stops.
Growing pains – anger’s slow rise to fame
You may have heard of that there are stages grief. The same is true for anger and here is a formula if you are interested.
- Mild anxiety or irritability – normal
- Vexation – normal
- Wrath/fury – getting dangerous. You are beginning to lose it
- Rage – out of control. Anything can happen
In our conversations today, we may very well encounter a few hotheads, hard heads or some who don’t care how they express themselves. This will happen from time to time. Don’t take it personally. Be always courteous!
- sometimes our interpretations may be wrong and are based on our own hang-ups
- the individual may have had traumatic experiences growing up, that still play out in their minds; so they travel back to that point in time and manifest what worked for them then. The only difference now is that their once defensive mode has become offensive. They go on the offensive now, because they are older and may feel confident to lash out
Finally, let’s end on this.
- Treat everyone the way we want to be treated. That’s the golden rule.
- That’s the secret to peace and harmony right there; if we can only submit ourselves to each other, think first and take a deep breath before we respond.
- Understanding that people are different and may react differently is key to how we operate around them – Proverbs 15:1 – 2 New King James Version (NKJV) A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
The tongue of the wise uses knowledge rightly but the mouth of fools pours forth foolishness.
- Let others vent. It’s OK to be a punching bag sometimes… well, I mean figuratively. Understanding that you are the one in control here can be extremely significant and valuable in helping someone to overcome.
- Will you be adding fuel to that fire or water?
- Or will you be settling this matter on your own turf?
When dealing with others who may be angry, do not take their outburst personally. The source of their anger is not you but is triggered by some unresolved issues in them.
In my experience, the best way is always to listen and not be quick to respond. If at all possible, help anyone who is willing to seek deliverance from this destructive “disease,” by way of prayer and also by taking responsibility and the necessary actions to bring about change.
As it says in Proverbs 15:1 A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
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