He Who Angers You Controls You-Who Has Your Remote?

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(Last Updated On: July 19, 2019)

I am sure that most of us can agree that we are tempted to lose it sometimes. When people upset us, aren’t we supposed to fly off the handle? If we do, then we are no better than they are. He (or she) who angers you, controls you.

We must realize that we are all different. We express ourselves based on our background, frame of reference, culture, upbringing and sometimes we’re just plain unmannerly. But we must be strong in spite of how others behave. We must accept that all people are not equal in temperament and personality, and some things will most definitely rub us the wrong way.

Having lived on this earth for a while, I have realized that I have to be prepared for any situation before it happens. I have managed to do this by thinking about the outcome. I step into the future – because if I allow one disgruntled person to become a tool that upsets me easily, the result will always be the same. Having that knowledge is a great power, and we all can say it together… “With great power comes great responsibility,” so I choose to respond in a responsible manner.

Anger Is Not Wrong in Itself.

Anger does have its place though. It was given to us by God for a reason. It’s a natural emotion and a part of our being human. It’s a healthy reaction to a situation in order to produce a positive outcome. The important thing here is to know how and when to apply it. 

Spontaneous Anger vs Nurtured Anger

Anger that is spontaneous and not nurtured could be positive if reacting to a situation where someone is being robbed or attacked. However, anger that has been fed over time is probably the most dangerous kind. This is because its bearer may feel relieved by lashing out at their target, believing they have good reason to. This is what I call balloon anger. It will burst at some point because of all that negative pent-up energy. When the balloon of anger explodes – there is no telling where or how far it will go. The “hot air” in the balloon controls its direction… He who angers you controls you. Now does that make more sense? Hot air is just air and has no substance. It will eventually dissipate.

How can we be sure that we are angry for the right reasons and not trying to justify ourselves, because our feelings were hurt

Anger must result in a positive outcome one way or another

  • There must be justice
  • There must be a change
  • There must be a resolution

In the case of direct personal pain (initiated by people or circumstances)

  • It should make us wiser in understanding our responsibility on how we relate to others
  • It should teach us how to react differently in the future
  • Cause us to ask ourselves, “What role did I play in this?”

In the case of external influences (things that we have no control over)

  • It should cause us to look for answers and resolutions
  • It may stir up our passions and produce change
  • It may cause us to help others as a result
  • It may teach us how to manage our feelings in the midst of conflict

People Will Disappoint Us Sometimes

People will disappoint us, say things that hurt and abandon us for various reasons. Some are valid and some are concocted but it doesn’t matter. We are stuck with ourselves anyway, so we better get used to being our own best friend in this regard. However, it is in times like these, that we should examine ourselves to see if there is anything in us that needs changing. I am saying, rather than become upset, seek to become a better person as a result of these experiences.

Do not become resentful, rather, understand that this is a part of life. People will come and go for different reasons. Do not beat up on yourself trying to determine who’s at fault and what went wrong. Accept that it has happened, learn from the experience, forgive and move on, your future depends on it.

If every time someone offended us we were to react in anger, imagine the valuable time wasted with negative thoughts. This would also result in us lashing out at the innocent in the process. Not to mention the unproductive, psychological and physical damage we would be doing to ourselves as well. Is it worth it?

Don’t Expect Others to Respond in the Same Manner You Would

I can relate to this statement very much as I have suffered from this problem all my life. One example — is someone who likes to help others, I tend to think that helping others is the reason we are all alive. However, I tend to be judgmental when I see people being selfish or inconsiderate. It can become a problem if I allow it to, and look for reasons to feed my “anger.” My response then in this scenario, is to continue to be me and help wherever I can; not be judgmental.

So, you see how anger can wear many hats? Anger can cause us to be judgmental sometimes, display bad manners, bad attitudes and the list goes on.

For you, this may be a different scenario but just don’t come down on others for not reacting in the way you would. They may have a good” reason for their actions at that point in time.

How to Calm down When Angry — Retaliation Is Not an Option

When we counter-attack, we lower ourselves to the standards of others and that’s where they may want us. It’s at that lowly point that anything can happen, as the situation further deteriorates. That may be where our “antagonists” are strongest, so don’t go there with them. Sometimes people who are hurting, are looking for someone to blame for every problem they have ever had in life. This can turn out very badly if so. Don’t become their object. Don’t stand in the gap for any particular offender in their past (in an uncontrolled environment)! You may be left with a gaping hole.

When we allow ourselves to succumb to anger, we give up our ability to control ourselves and have now placed them in charge of us. It’s at that point that they will use the remote on us to turn up the heat and roast us on their turf.

When we surrender our will to our emotions, we are operating in reverse gear. We are supposed to be in control of our emotions.

In times like these, we may say and do the wrong things, causing further hurt and suffering. This leaves us feeling guilty for having allowed ourselves to become angry in the first place.

In any heated exchange of anger, the only direction to go to win the “fight,” is deeper into the cesspool.

Napoleon Hill once said in the Laws of Successkeep cool when other people get hot!” After a while, the person gets tired of talking and stops.

Growing Pains — Anger’s Slow Rise to Fame

You may have heard that there are stages of grief. The same is true for anger and here is a formula if you are interested.

  • Mild anxiety or irritability — normal
  • Vexation — normal
  • Wrath/fury — getting dangerous. You are beginning to lose it:
  • Rage — out of control. Anything can happen

In our conversations today, we may very well encounter a few hotheads, hardheads or some who don’t care how they express themselves. This will happen from time to time. Don’t take it personally. Be always courteous!

  • Sometimes our interpretations may be wrong and are based on our own hang-ups
  • The individual may have had traumatic experiences growing up, that still play out in their minds; so they travel back to that point in time and manifest what worked for them then. The only difference now is that their once defensive mode has become offensive. They go on the offensive now because they are older and may feel confident enough to lash out.

Finally, let’s end on this. Treat everyone the way we want to be treated. That’s the golden rule. That’s the secret to peace and harmony right there; if we can only submit to one other, think first and take a deep breath before we respond. Understanding that people are different and may react differently is key to how we operate around them

Proverbs 15:1 – 2 (NKJV) A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. The tongue of the wise uses knowledge rightly but the mouth of fools pours forth foolishness.

Let others vent. It’s OK to be a punching bag sometimes… well, I mean figuratively. Understanding that you are the one in control here can be extremely significant and valuable in helping someone to overcome.

Will you be adding fuel to that fire or water, or will you be settling this matter on your own turf? When dealing with others who may be angry, do not take their outburst personally. The source of their anger is not you but is triggered by some unresolved issues in them.

In my experience, the best way is always to listen and not be quick to respond. If at all possible, help anyone who is willing to seek victory from this destructive “disease,” by way of prayer and also by taking responsibility and the necessary actions to bring about change. As it says in Proverbs 15:1 A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Please tell us what you think in the comments below.

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10 Replies to “He Who Angers You Controls You-Who Has Your Remote?”

  1. Hello,
    Thank you for the great article. You hit all the points we need to better manage anger. I totally agree that it is part of our nature and the point you touch about how to handle it for a good use is very nice.
    A lot of lessons learned in just one article.
    Well written and well put together.
    Thank you very much!

    1. Thanks for your kind and encouraging words! Much appreciated.

      All the best and bountiful success for 2018 and beyond!


  2. I really enjoyed reading this and was left to ponder the many truths that you point out here. Anger is never the right path to resolution, and the experience of anger is always the loser in that moment. Anger is a sign of weakness, never strength, and as you pointed out it is always just life happening and we can choose the way we react only at our depth of our awareness of the others need to be angry and why is none of your business only your understanding and compassion.
    Great work and loads of food for thought . Thanks

    1. Hi Paul! Thanks for taking the time to read and comment on this topic. Thanks for adding value to the post. We must indeed control ourselves and our response to anger and not retaliate to make matters worse.

      All the best!


  3. It’s funny that I should come across this article because I was just watching a video about an NFL player who said the same thing. There must be some truth to it and it makes a lot of sense.

    This article was very insightful. I never knew an emotion like anger could be broken down in such a way and analyzed. Great work.

  4. Hi
    I enjoyed the article.
    I know a man who is very angry. As soon as his back is against the wall, he lashes out in anger; his facial expression changes, he speaks very loudly and his mannerisms become agitated. He does not see himself but I have told him that he is an angry person and pointed out his behavioural patterns to him. However, he claims that he is expressive. He also says that because individuals are unable to ‘control’ him, they consider his behaviour anger. Do you have any advice I can pass on to him?

  5. Hi Sharon

    You’re welcome and thanks for your sentiments.
    I am sorry about this situation. Anger, like procrastination, robs us of living our lives to the fullest and causes its bearer (and victims) to remain stagnant in its grip… Unless, of course, there is an interception.

    Your concern about his perceived anger shows that you want to see him in a better place and that’s a good thing.

    The next step is for him to agree to and acknowledge what you have identified in him. But that’s the challenge, isn’t it? — as his definition of anger and yours is not mutual.

    Having said that, if these outbursts are causing harm and hurting others… i.e. emotionally or physically, then it will be a definite problem and that speaks for itself. Anger can point to deeper inner turmoil within, so one would have to deal with the root cause of the anger or at the triggers to deal with the problem. People don’t necessarily want to be labeled as angry and so they will deny any “accusation” of having anger issues as an insult. They will not take it in the way it was intended. They may see it as judgment and that’s why you may find an unwillingness to get help.

    I believe you have listed some possible manifestations of anger, but since he has his own interpretation of his feelings — to properly diagnose this situation, professional help will have to be sought. There are no clear-cut answers without counseling.

    I could speculate that his outbursts are really defense mechanisms he resorts to because of “soul-hurts” of the past, unresolved issues. Maybe he was abused as a child in some way but again, that will be speculative. Since he is using words like “control” there could be deeper issues here. And he did acknowledge that others think he is angry, so it’s not just you.

    My advice will be to talk with him and be willing to accompany him to a professional counseling session but you don’t have to be in the session.

    Let us know how it goes and if he is willing to try.

    I really hope it works out for him.

    All the best to you.


    1. Hi
      If a person has grown up in an environment surrounded by angry parents/relatives, then anger becomes his/her norm. There will be constant defending, arguing and quarreling to everything that has been said even when the tone of voice of the other people is not raised.

      Today we have many angry people around and I wonder what is the cause. This is quite evident in our children who want to play outdoor games but become hostile when they are pushed or simply touched while playing. I believe this behaviour is learnt, whether from adults or from the pictures they watch.

      If anger is a person’s norm, can we therefore say that the aggressor controls that individual? Am eagerly awaiting your response.

      1. It just means that this person will always be more easily controlled by any “aggressor.” In this scenario, if anger is a constant state of mind, then the outbursts or the manifestation/evidence of the root cause of the anger, will occur whenever something triggers it.

        As you have said, prolonged anger can be a learned behavior because of the constant exposure to a toxic environment. Since anger is a reaction to some kind of unresolved circumstance or injustice, all it takes is advertently or inadvertently adding fuel to the fire & setting off the outbursts/explosions.

        An angry person usually feels like a victim and/or that they are being taken advantage of; they may also feel unfaired (wronged). Their reaction is a self-defense mechanism to protect them from further hurt.

        A person who is always angry is a person who needs immediate help or nothing will change for them or those nearby.


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